Is his ex really just a friend?

Hi everyone. I could really use some advice. So I have started a new relationship with someone. We have been together for almost a month now, so very early days. He's honestly very amazing. He's attentive, kind, makes me feel special, makes time for me, etc. He's pretty perfect and everything that I have been looking for in a partner but there is just one thing that I can't stop thinking about and it's always at the back of my mind. I have been losing sleep over it. There is a girl that he talks to a lot. His ex girlfriend. I don't know very much about her apart from the fact that they text and talk a lot, he's liked all of her Facebook pictures, they've tagged each other in cute/funny things on Facebook too, they seem to have this great relationship and I do feel like a bit of a third wheel. I was fine with them talking at first, until I found out that she was an ex from 8 years ago, but the kicker? He has been single and hasn't been with anyone else until her. He says that they are just friends, but that he still finds her attractive and he said that I need to trust him but I just have this weird gut feeling that he's still harbouring feelings for her. We did have an argument about it and I cried a lot and said I felt that I wasn't good enough and that I found his relationship with his ex threatening to our relationship and he said he didn't know what to do, but I said I would be okay with him just...talking to her less? As I feel like, you know, it's too much. I have exes that I am still friends with on Facebook, but aside from the occasional 'Happy Birthday', we never talk. He also tried to initiate a 3 way chat where he introduced her and us, and I said 'Hello, nice to meet you', but she completely ignored me and I later found out that after that, he had been talking to her about me, and the argument, and the entire situation which made me feel a little betrayed as well. Since I've talked about it with him, he's agreed to talk to her less... but I'm not sure what 'less' even means and when we're not together, I'm constantly worried that he's talking to her. I don't know what to do. He's so amazing. The thought of losing him just kills me but I don't want to be that jealous, controlling girlfriend and I don't want to feel like this because it just hurts so much. Advice?

Hi KittyKitty (heeere, KittyKitty, "tee hee") (I'm slowly-gently training a feral cat as we speak, btw - if you're into them?), Anyhoo... Is his ex really just a friend. Probably NOT, if you've felt you had to ask others, but, I shan't "ashoom" (- don't you hate that?) anything. However, I'm a bit snowed-under with regulars at the mo, myself (plus wonky internet for days just because it rained) (Spain), so I or any others will respond just as soon as they're able. :) Bear with a tad longer.

Right, I've got a window so let's go!.. And thanks for your patience, Kitty, I appreciate it. :) (Not reading ahead, as per...) "Hi everyone. I could really use some advice. So I have started a new relationship with someone. We have been together for almost a month now, so very early days." Extremely early, yes. "He's honestly very amazing. He's attentive, kind, makes me feel special, makes time for me, etc. He's pretty perfect and everything that I have been looking for in a partner" Red Flag No. 1. NO-ONE arrives ready-customised for you and you alone like that. That comes with time - at least 2 years. So this guy could be mirroring you and PRESENTING himself as perfect for you. And he's not a Partner yet, he's a Date. The fact you're getting carried away so incredibly prematurely like this, is another - Red Flag 2. "but there is just one thing" Yeah, thought so... "that I can't stop thinking about and it's always at the back of my mind. I have been losing sleep over it." So it's big, then... "There is a girl that he talks to a lot. His ex girlfriend." OH, HERE WE GO... Yep. Giant Red Flag 3. EX means EX means you part ways. If not, the EX has to know her place and your newbie should know her place - and his - TOO, meaning, no Exes can interfere and cause problems. Every human old enough to date KNOWS that. (...exceptforfcknnarcs). Although it depends on his (and your) age, he might legimitimately just be too immature, still. RSvP? Google "Narcissistic Boyfriend - Triangulation". And a month is too soon to be misbehaving like this. Red Flag 4. (He's not doing too well, is he. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.) "I don't know very much about her apart from the fact that they text and talk a lot," Highly Inappropriate! Red Flag 5. If he wants to behave like he's single and available and talk to single women then he should (drum-roll) STAY SINGLE. If he wants a steady relationship, he should act like this and protect that budding. Also highly inappropriate that he hasn't done what a new boyfriend should, which was to reassure you BY telling you all about WHY IT ENDED. ...only, it obviously hasn't, has it. Red Flag 6. HOWEVER. It's only been a month, which is FAR too soon to expect any such commitment. AND YET, HERE YOU ARE....revved-up beyond reasonableness thus expecting exactly that. Trust me, a normal bloke can (and will!) slow a woman down if it's her who's rushing (BUT NOT THIS WAY!). So that's not what he's doing. So that's a Failure To Act type Red Flag 7. This bozo is just Misbehaviour and Emotional Abuse on-legs! And all in the space of a piddly month! He seems to have wanted to insta-bowl you over and very quickly switch to Devaluation (Google "Narcissism - Idealize, Devalue, Discard/Fake Discard (threat meant to cow you and control you because you're too insecure and scared to complain in case he doesn't like it and dumps you). "he's liked all of her Facebook pictures, they've tagged each other in cute/funny things on Facebook too, they seem to have this great relationship and I do feel like a bit of a third wheel." Which, even if we ignore the fact you've been "Love Bombed" (google - prefixed "Narcissist" every time -) to EXPECT his commitment and HENCE feel he should be more loyal, commensurate with that (google) "Priming" as includes creating those high expectations so early in, aka "Rushed Intimacy" is likewise Highly Inappropriate. DEFIITELY a Red Flag. No bloke who wants ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP would dare behave like that for-fear of being swiftly DUMPED. "Narc - Taking Risks" - this case, "Risking The Relationship". Normal blokes who genuinely are into you (and wanting a normal, romantic relationship) don't do this, they do the opposite and protect it (let alone nourish it, rather than puncture your 'ego tyre' where all the air is let of you like it is.) (Shee-yaaat - imagine the emotional mess you'd be after 6 months!) (PS: Highly Inappropriate is their middle name. Next comes 'Shockingly', then 'Mind-Bendingly'...fun-fun-fun....) Yup, he's a nasty immature little git who's wasted no time in heating you up, only to now sit you furthest from him while he plays cosy-cosy - TOO cosy for mere friends, ESPECIALLY exes when you've a brand-new girlfriend who's either copying the Idealize Etc narc method, OR...is one. Again - ages (and stages) please. This behaviour is DISGUSTING - why haven't you dumped him already? Are you really that incredibly attached already? He's doing all this deliberately, it's bloody obvious. AND he's doing it too quickly, even for a Narc. So I'm afraid that means you're the JEALOUSY Tool. It's to make her keener. But then why hasn't he ended it with you if he's so into her? Answer: wants to brainwash/manipulate you both so that he can have BOTH of you. Or at least keep HER forever on the side - either/or - a Narc can swap round your strict roles on a whim, the pair (or more?) of you. But - Oooh, Mistressing...how lovely...and at such a young age. I hope you tell him to Do One and quickly. I know you don't want to but he's messing with your heart and mind already. This will get worse and harder. If he's innocent - and into you like he's been super-making-out - he'll DO (not just say) what it takes. After all - if you wish to change someone's behaviour, you have to change yours (as affects and restricts how they can treat you). So do it - win/win. "I was fine with them talking at first," Well, of course. Because you thought he knew what even all 7 year olds know, INNIT, and would keep it appropriately at arm's length...respectful....To you and your feelings AND the budding relationship. "until I found out that she was an ex from 8 years ago," OH, SO HE KEPT IT A SECRET FROM YOU WHEN IT WAS YOUR BUSINESS TO KNOW (including what you'd be getting into). Red Flag "but the kicker? He has been single and hasn't been with anyone else until her." Single. Yeah. They all say that. Even IF he were still holding a candle to her - that doesn't excuse his deliberately SILENT (without communication at every step) manipulation (Malignant Covert Alert). Nor does it excuse his getting into a (ostensibly) relationship if he's not over his ex. (Irresponsible and Empathy-less is their other middle name.) "He says that they are just friends," Just Friends is as Just Friends DOES. These two - with him at the helm (Like-Like-Like) are not DOES-ing. Mouth says one thing, actions scream out the other...the opposite in their case. Red Flag 8 (bloody Nora!). I'm now saying to myself - can't NOT be a nasty little Narcissist (unless he's still only 16). "but that he still finds her attractive" HE TOLD YOU THAT? How cruel ("Malignant Narc - deliberate Cruelty and Sadism"). Giant Red Flag 9. ("Run Forrestina, run!") Google "Narc boyfriend - Playbook". " and he said that I need to trust him" They all say that, too. Answer: based on what - UNTRUSTWORTHY - worse - Trust-DESTROYING- behaviour? (Uck off, pal, you AND your nonsense (- him, obvs.) That comes under "Narcissist - Gaslighting". Telling you the sky is NOT Blue, but pink with grey polka-dots. Red Flag 10. "but I just have this weird gut feeling that he's still harbouring feelings for her." No sh*t, Sherlock. Only he doesn't. He just has plans for her - and you - and her, then her too, then.... Google "Covert Narcissist - Harem". You need EMPATHY to bond with another human and give a sh*t about anyone but yourself. "We did have an argument about it and I cried a lot and **said I felt that I wasn't good enough and that I found his relationship with his ex threatening to our relationship** and he said he didn't know what to do, but I said I would be okay with him just...talking to her less? As I feel like, you know, it's too much. I have exes that I am still friends with on Facebook, but aside from the occasional 'Happy Birthday', we never talk." Thank-you - and **well done! Because the fact he even entertained an argument about it PROVES he knew it WAS, given everything (he'd done), already a Steady relationship thereby subject to the RULES of such! 'I don't know what to do'. Pff. Yuh, right. He knows full well. UGH. What's a lovely-sounding girl like you doing with a woman-hater-user like him! You DON'T like him - you're just hooked...addicted already, thanks to the fact-paced, super-condensed, over-intensity he cultivated (engineered). You want your pride back. You won't get it from his type, though, trust me on that. Or any Closure full-stop. You can only get it by reading up on "The Covert Narcissistic Boyfriend". ...Don't know what to do... He's not old enough to be dating, then, is he...should get to playing with his Stickle Bricks. Note that you came out with normal logic and he came back with Gaslighting? ...I don' know whath tho dtho, mummyyy, costh I'm only wickle... "Playing Dumb". This Covert is transitioning into becoming a full-blown Narcissistic Sociopath. No Finesse but - evident in where you are too soon - good at love-bombing (drugging you) ("How Narcissistic Love-Bombing works". Warming you up to THIS temperature, all in a piddly month? Yep. You cannot win and you wouldn't want to...or won't when you do some reading-up (let me know if you need help finding as spot-on as poss links). "He also tried to initiate a 3 way chat where he introduced her and us, and I said 'Hello, nice to meet you', but she completely ignored me" HOW RUDE. Goes beyond rudeness, actually. It's downright animosity. And now you know why and how. And WHY you hadn't before then been given an opportunity to meet her (girls talk). You might have un-duped her, undone all his hard work. See it from the correct angle...match her behaviour to a role. What is it - what is she behaving as if she is? Answer: HIS GIRLFRIEND. Bet he's told her YOU'RE just the friend but are keen on him but he likes you as a friend too much to dump you but he (wait for it) just DOESTHN'T KNOW WHATH THO DTHOOOO, MUMMY. See it now? See what an anti-relationship monster he is/they are? He's a nasty little, superiority complexed and misogynistic, gobsmackingly arrogant, head-messer, is what he is. This is not a relationship, it's a drugging, kidnapping, incarcerating and enslaving - psychological version but no less real, better believe it,... so that he can build a harem of free prostitutes/panderers/pamperers - ego-feeders (with whatever perks), someone(s) in the near-future (if you don't dump him) to run to in an argument, 'lend' him money, whatever perks without the work, let alone the appropriate work....she or any other female will ALWAYS be there in there in the wings as a permanent threat to your RIGHT to relationship safety, security, stability, consistency...mouth matching ACTIONS! ONLY a Narc would have a whole behavioural package like his. It wouldn't even OCCUR to a normal-healthy male to act like that, right from the start (and, note - getting just that bit worse and bit worse as you've gone) and in record time whereby you're smitten yet heartbroken and injured already, and primed to have expected WAY-WAY better. Case. Closed. Google "Narcissist - Triangulation and early Slander Campaign. In other words, he's given you an extremely bad press (and made out you're the one treating HIM the way he's been treating you). Or he's worked on getting her back but is making her think she has to compete with you because you're in the way of their reconciling. But it would be impossible for the woman to have such a hostile attitude towards a stranger unless she'd been convinced (classic playbook BS) you were a huge problem he couldn't get rid of, that he daren't because you're depressed and might do something stupid - whatever - anything. And she (silly girl) has swallowed it, hook, line and sinker (stinker). (He did a really huge hooking job on her, then, look.) (PS: You should rename this thread: Whoops, I totally forgot to say I already had (half) a girlfriend left!) "and I later found out that after that, he had been talking to her about me, and the argument, and the entire situation which made me feel a little betrayed as well." There we go. PS: only a little? WAKE UP, KITTY!!!! ...You're drugged and ADDICTED already. Gotta go Cold Turkey. (Post-yell Hug: (((((((((((HUG))))))))))) "Since I've talked about it with him, he's agreed to talk to her less... but I'm not sure what 'less' even means" It means nothing, that's why it's so totally vague it's meaningless. Word Salad again. He'll just do it more secretly. Or not at all ('I TWIED, MUMMYYY, BUTH I COULD-NNNN'T..STHE WOULD-NN' LET ME"). " and when we're not together, I'm constantly worried that he's talking to her." Me too and I haven't even met him. "I don't know what to do. He's so amazing. The thought of losing him just kills me but I don't want to be that jealous, controlling girlfriend and I don't want to feel like this because it just hurts so much." You DO know what to do but you'd rather not. You have to join the No Contact brigade. (You can do it here, get proper support so that you don't waver.) 1. Dump and No Contact 2. Make an excuse (got Covid) so as not to see him for 2-3 weeks - end up amazed at how very differently you feel about this broken but Bafta-award-winning android, and then dump (having bought yourself time and a lessening of sense of pressure). Me? I am absolutely disgusted and repulsed. He's not fit to look you in the eye, never mind lick your boots. He's a social and emotional predator and no messing. (Have you read all the other Narc-victim-survivors threads here yet?) His Ex-Not-ex will have to learn. He's already primed her to believe you're a nasty, jealous cow who hates her guts so she'd just assume it were Sour Grapes if you tried to arrange a meet-up to discuss and compare. He'd make sure she would. And if she 'returned' to him, saying, 'Yeah, but, she said this and that part was true because, remember yadder?' and he'd go, 'OH, SO YOU BELIEVE HER, NOT ME, DO YOU?' (etc., etc.). (Has he shouted at and/or posturally intimidated/aggressed you yet?) Anyway. So sorry. Thoughts?

PS: Don't care what age he is now. Too much evidence. That's not left-overs from the Teenage Natural Narcissistic stage, with him only just coming out of it. That's malignant narcissistic, premeditated... - its the classic Narc 'Boyfriend' (aka Player-From-Hell) Playbook. Too stark in record time, to leave room for any doubt.

Sorry, Kitty - typo: "TOO cosy for mere friends, ESPECIALLY exes when you've a brand-new girlfriend. He's either copying the Idealize Etc narc method, OR...is one."