Autism - Who am I?

Dear reader, I'm a 16 yo girl who is very probably autistic (runs in the family and my parents recognised it in both me and my brothers, a psychologist specialised in autism recognised it years ago and this year my autistic family doctor and current psychologist recognised it too. Im currently waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist to get more information.) Anyways, I've lately been depressed due to school and social trouble and it has come to my attention that my moods have been changing involuntarily way more often. I would like to clarify that I'm not talking about going from happy to irritable. Compare it with a responsible, carrying and worried mom who puts way too much pressure on herself switching towards a 4 yo kid who doesn't realise that they are hurting their friend with saying certain things and who will be overly happy, dragging other around, and not always would I fully remember the details of the times I am like that afterwards. Please note that before this depression I would be usually the too responsible adult (for my age), which also was due to my living situation. Apart from this I am feeling less and less like myself, I don't know who I am nor what I would act like. Ever since I learnt about the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I've been doubting a big part of how I acted before, not knowing if I have just been copying my parents and started to act like them or if this is part of my self. I also would like to admit that it is really difficult for me to express my emotions, how to identify them, how to talk about them, etc. Lately I have found a way to express them, but it may be a bit weird.. I would act like a dog. If sad or disappointed I would winge. If I'm almost crying I want to howl. I continuously want to crawl on my boyfriend's and best friend's (who are the only ones with who I'm not too ashamed to act like this) lap. I feel like I can be myself when I am acting like a dog. The thing is, they both have jokingly said that I remind them of DID/MPD/Bipolar. I took it as a joke, but after doing some research I don't really know what to think of it anymore. Is it a joke or are they unconsciously on to something? I told my mom about this and she told me not to worry, but I can't get it out of my mind. I know that you can't diagnose someone over a text, but maybe you could give me some advice? I am too scared to talk with my family doctor and psychologist about it, so my only option would be to wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but who knows whether I will trust them enough.. Thank you for taking your time to read this message. Sincerely, Me

Hi 'Me' :D Really sorry you haven't had an response yet, it's because respondents are thin on the ground at the moment and I've been having on-off trouble with my internet connection. I'll be freer tomorrow, if you don't mind waiting a little longer. (We're slow but we're good, haha.) Thanks for your patience. :)

Hi again, You got Me. :) I don't read ahead bar the title and first sentance so forgive me my gut response and audible workings-out as I go sentance-by-sentance... "I'm a 16 yo girl who is very probably autistic (runs in the family and my parents recognised it in both me and my brothers, a psychologist specialised in autism recognised it years ago and this year my autistic family doctor and current psychologist recognised it too. Im currently waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist to get more information.)" You sound very high-functioning (which is what happens when you have to fit-in with Neurotypicals because you don't know why you're different; you mould yourself). Asperger's, yes? "Anyways, I've lately been depressed due to school and social trouble and it has come to my attention that my moods have been changing involuntarily way more often." Well, of course they have. Who are the Mean Girls and what are they doing/saying? Details? B*tches. You've not enough on your plate as it is. I bet they know that - or predator-sense it. They're scared and jealous of different-in-a-good way that's about to blossom and NOW about to get a helping-hand to blossom double-fast, so they're probably trying to stop you from blossoming by making you too depressed to move, because already you "make" them feel AS INADEQUATE AND BOG-STANDARD AS THEY *ARE* (or think/keep getting told they are). It's always the way... You'd feel SORRY for them if they weren't dealing with it in the worst, most ultimately SELF-destructive way (just using you and other peers as a medium/channel). Take it as the perversely giant compliment it is and then research coping mechanisms. Asperger's and Autistics have just been 'discovered' for their characteristics and amazingly rare skills and talents, are the next big thing, commercially (which will obvs spread to social). This is a caterpillar coming out of the chysallis a butterfly after much frantic gymwork to rip out and take to the happier sky. No need to worry, just to be aware of the fact it's (annoyingly) the way with blessings in-disguise...they feel like hell while they're happening (tell it to the trapped, terrified, claustraphobic and frantically panicked butterflies!). You're a little adult in a kid suit so, that's 'how' you make them feel stupid and boring and silly (which they call annoying). You'd do better with older friends who'd appreciate you. Right Qualities (Yours) WRONG RECIPIENTS! Maybe they're trying to 'bully you normal' because they need your (adult) validation that they are normal...which they can't kid themselves if a (sorry but it's true) far superior model (course it is - you're a born adult!) so it's there way of TRAINING/CONVERTING you to be more like them? Also, their hormones are probably up the creek. Well....Up their bums, frankly. They can stay threatened and jealous forever (which they probably will if they're THAT psychologically and behaviourally stunted, still, at age SIXTEEEEEEEEN-UH!). Their choice. Try to elude them. The less contact with them, the better. Or better yet - report them. But let's wait for your formal assessment first. You're not crippled/whatever. You're a type of superbeing (an evolutionary shunt forward via the increasing blossoming of a hybrid (Neanderthals mating with Cromagnons), so increasingly reckon the US psychiatric/therapeutic industry. Without the facilities and open doors, you're crippled (by cripples). But these days - and with what's brewing (Popularity City), it's easier. So it's SIMPLY a case of too-heavy mental load (luggage) for a kid/teen until your muscles strengthen and you get a handle on it. And then once you do, it's just your normal and there's no stopping you from going even higher from there, and the Mean Girls will be laughing on the other side of their face(s). It's pigging hard work at the top, though, eh - as you're starting to find out. (You'll adapt, no worries, and the advantages outweight the negatives now you lot have been generationally and genetically evolving (all that self-nagging/shaping).) Have you tried Wrong Planet website yet? "I would like to clarify that I'm not talking about going from happy to irritable. Compare it with a responsible, carrying and worried mom who puts way too much pressure on herself switching towards a 4 yo kid who doesn't realise that they are hurting their friend with saying certain things and who will be overly happy, dragging other around, and not always would I fully remember the details of the times I am like that afterwards." Zoning-Out a bit so that your stress-bucket can overflow because if you were fully awake your equally giant Jiminy Cricket wouldn't allow it and yet your inner primitive animal (naked ape) knows it's imperative. Common stuff for a while (you're learning to control your mind and master your tools and weapons - which all teens are...but obviously you have a far greater amount to master in your life-tools cache...they've just been dormant until now). Coping mechanism: sport/athletics, preferably competitive running/jogging, or fun tantruming, otherwise known as, Trampolining. ;) Or just run around the block and back. Your depression will start to lift once you flush out the causal toxins the healthier, faster way. Are you grabbing and pulling at your hair or banging your head against a cupboard door out of injustice-rage and frustration? Don't do it if so, punch a cushion instead. Or fidget including playing with your fingers more (no picking/biting off skin, though!). Try knitting/crocheting as you listen to the radio...the click-clacking's very soothing, as is the fact it's a productive fidget. (I'd like a scarf, please, haha.) Meantime...try Boxing or Karate ('offensive-defensive'). Is there a club near you? You will OOZE Arnie-ness and predators (bullies) are always the first to smell that and give you a wide berth (bar the mega-arrogant maestro ones who love a challenge.....and then vow never to mess with an Aspie/HFAutie ever again, haha). They can smell you could (never mind if you never arrived in that situation) *actually* back/follow-through any threat. And bullies are cowards, meaning, don't pick on people mentally tougher/bigger than themselves at the time of initial targetting. They pick on smaller or the temporarily-situationally depressed/down. They get you "quick!" whilst you're down or mentally distracted/over-engaged. Depression is Aggression locked-in and facing the wrong way and target (normally...until you hit Critical like you just did. Not MUCH of an Aspie 'tantrum' though, by the sounds of it. Maybe just do fast disco dancing for an hour every night?) (There are way more bonuses to this, you realise? You're not about to blossom/manifest into a superhuman, but you ARE going to, into a super-human. Friendly giant but like a big dog: no need to bark, just appear and give 'em a "Paddington Hard Stare", haha.) "Please note that before this depression I would be usually the too responsible adult (for my age), which also was due to my living situation." Oh, look - "snap"! There you go, then. With whom are you in Role Reversal. Your mother? "Apart from this I am feeling less and less like myself, I don't know who I am nor what I would act like." Mm-hm - chrysalis. And nor does the caterpillar - for a while. Our version is just psychological but it's still true. You need feedback...shown your reflection from all angles in the mirror. You've been deprived of feedback. I can feedback for you. You might not even need it through if you're at wing-beating stage because that's when you get the view from the clouds-down and everything goes click. Takes a few good years for the clicking to finish but it mainly does. "Ever since I learnt about the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I've been doubting a big part of how I acted before, not knowing if I have just been copying my parents and started to act like them or if this is part of my self." Mostly you struggling under such massive luggage (for your stay on this planet), but also mimicking your family members AND sampling being in whomever's (the issue-ridden or Narc's) (mum's and a sibling?) shoes. Though their shoes are probably permanent ones now. Don't know...you'd have to tell me more. Anyway, Doubting happens in the chrysalis, it's part of the wing-strenghtening/practising phase (so that's where you're at). And if you weren't scared/panicked, you wouldn't beat so frantically, you see. (It's clever and pants at the same time, isn't it!) You just need to start collecting your tools, your uniform, and your particular posse. They're out there. Again - start with Wrong Planet dot com. Also read Jae's thread (about halfway down?) and V6079 (- hey, going by your names - you two might be related!) (haha - joke) (just trying to cheer you up). Both are Aspies. :) Jae: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13545/what-should-i-do V: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13650/i-cannot-imagine-a-woman-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship-with-me "I also would like to admit that it is really difficult for me to express my emotions, how to identify them, how to talk about them, etc." I disagree. You're doing very well. Who told you or made you feel that? "Lately I have found a way to express them, but it may be a bit weird.." A bit Different. Say it 10 times. Or - as you're close to the merely Eccentric segment of the scale, you could be cool about it and say, 'A bit out there' or 'radical'. "I would act like a dog. If sad or disappointed I would winge. If I'm almost crying I want to howl. I continuously want to crawl on my boyfriend's and best friend's (who are the only ones with who I'm not too ashamed to act like this) lap. I feel like I can be myself when I am acting like a dog." Well, THEY clearly don't mind (probably find it cute and endearing) so - where's the problemo? If you collect your posse (starting with those two), all of them won't mind. 'Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'. You have as much right to be Quite Unique You as anyone else. If you're worried about offending people - ASK them if you have/it would. Saying that, you're about to get your ID badge, so to speak, so you can just say, 'Soz if this sounds/comes across weird, it's just, I'm another Aspie' (you're all on the increase btw). Don't say 'an' Aspie as it makes you sound like a minority (not vital - just a tactic that helps). "The thing is, they both have jokingly said that I remind them of DID/MPD/Bipolar." Shows how much they know. "I took it as a joke," I take it as understandable ignorance. (I should rely on the psychiatrist's opinion - and a 2nd opinion to (why not!), not theirs...haha...bless.) Anyway - YOU'RE the expert on you, not them, not the psychiatrist, even. YOU. Keep reading up and you'll feel surer. "but after doing some research I don't really know what to think of it anymore. Is it a joke or are they unconsciously on to something?" Not unless they were very experienced psychiatrists. Are they? Answer: Nao. Well, then. "I told my mom about this and she told me not to worry, but I can't get it out of my mind." You're not supposed to. You're supposed to be anguished and beating those wings. Sorryyyyy. BUT IT'S SOOOOO WORTH IT! You won't mind. Bit like childbirth...you want someone to shoot you to put you out of your painful mind-f**k until - ta-daa - you see your product's little face and realise that your pain endurance got you that lifelong pressie. "I know that you can't diagnose someone over a text," Obviously not. But you can recognise and identify someone. See the differencio? "but maybe you could give me some advice?" Yep, no probs - make yourself comfy. I'm not on every day - although sometimes I am. I'm in Spain and everything's still very chaotic and doesn't work properly (and drives me MAD!). I can't even keep a bloody diary anymore (grumble-grumble)... "I am too scared to talk with my family doctor and psychologist about it," Oh, no - why scared? " so my only option would be to wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but who knows whether I will trust them enough.." Er... why wouldn't you? Do you get lied and gaslit to and Word-Salad-ed a lot? "Thank you for taking your time to read this message." And thank-you for taking YOUR time to say thank-you for taking your time. :) "Sincerely, Me" No-no - I'm Me. :D Anyhoo....thoughts on what I've crystal-ball-ed/mapped?

PS: Feel free to say 'Hi, fellow Aspie' at them! - and that I sent you. :) And if you want them to view or input on here - paste them your URL line thingy like I've done so they can simply click themselves over. Not sure if Jae's still 'active' though. But V is.

Hi SOULMATE, Thank you for taking your time and for answering. It means a lot :) I'm gonna try to answer everything, but I might get lost in my own text at some point so I'd like to apologise in advance xD I dont know if I have Asperger, considering that I have never been officially diagnosed. If I'm being honest, I don't read know the difference between the "types of autism", considering that they have all been combined to ASD, considering that everyone has different symptoms and ways of functioning and it got difficult to name every "type". I quickly searched up what some of the Asperger symptoms are, and I can relate with some, but not all. I for example find it difficult to relate to others and I have some difficulties having serious talks with people while keeping eyecontact, but I usually keep my (physical) distance from people (the opposite is described as a possible symptom). I see that the school and social trouble got understood a bit different than I meant 🙈 With school trouble I meant that the past year I have been studying Science and Technology, excellent grades, just lost interest. So I have decided to change to Arts. However, that also meant that my grades from Science are not going to count for anything anymore, leading to me losing motivation and an objective to even attend classes. With social trouble I mean that I have trouble making friends. I can get along with most people if needed and it's not like they treat me disrespectful (nor am I being bullied ❤️), but I will usually stay alone. I cannot easily get along with people my age. Usually I stick with younger kids or with older kids. I had 2 boys from my class I could get along with pretty good, one because he would be serious about the school works and never left me hanging, the other because we had similar interests (Weapons, Middle ages, Wars, Music, etc). I could get better along with them than the rest of my class, yet we don't know about each other and don't talk enough to call eachother properly friends. Then I've got my boyfriend, 1 year older, lovely guy. He has been helping me amazingly and we have been leaning on each other whenever we needed to, even before we got together (We became friends about 4 years ago and have been together for almost a year). He is one of the people who has been keeping me alive (unfortunately a bit too literally.. During this depression I have had quite some suicidal thoughts and did not always trust myself). Via him I also got some new friends, who turned 18 this year. With 3 of them I dont speak often since we go to different schools and I dont really know what to talk about, meaning that with most of my friends contact usually fades (especially via chat), not meaning that we like each other less. The other one can be a bit difficult to talk with, she usually is only online at 3 am, and never checks her chats. So lately I've just started calling her. But with her I'm pretty close, she is the friend I was talking about in the openingspost and is one of the few I would trust with my life. Then I have another friends with whom I initially was really close, but with whom I nowadays barely talk. Tho I trust her with secrets and such, she was more the kind to keep me up to date with the "normal" than with whom I would empty my heart. Apart from this I should probably mention one of the other big reason why I got depressed: Financial trouble. My parents are pretty low on income and that are feeding 4 kids (me and my younger brothers), so due to my "adult state", I pick up on a lot of those worries. "Coping mechanism: sport/athletics, preferably competitive running/jogging, or fun tantruming, otherwise known as, Trampolining. ;) Or just run around the block and back. Your depression will start to lift once you flush out the causal toxins the healthier, faster way. Are you grabbing and pulling at your hair or banging your head against a cupboard door out of injustice-rage and frustration? Don't do it if so, punch a cushion instead. Or fidget including playing with your fingers more (no picking/biting off skin, though!). Try knitting/crocheting as you listen to the radio...the click-clacking's very soothing, as is the fact it's a productive fidget. (I'd like a scarf, please, haha.) Meantime...try Boxing or Karate ('offensive-defensive'). Is there a club near you? You will OOZE Arnie-ness and predators (bullies) are always the first to smell that and give you a wide berth (bar the mega-arrogant maestro ones who love a challenge.....and then vow never to mess with an Aspie/HFAutie ever again, haha). They can smell you could (never mind if you never arrived in that situation) *actually* back/follow-through any threat. And bullies are cowards, meaning, don't pick on people mentally tougher/bigger than themselves at the time of initial targetting. They pick on smaller or the temporarily-situationally depressed/down. They get you "quick!" whilst you're down or mentally distracted/over-engaged." I'm copying it this time so it is easier to respond xD Unfortunately I have to "discard" this first paragraph. A few years ago I went to a couple of doctors with huge pain in my lower back/left hip. Turns out I have a herniated disc (L5-S1). Thanks to this sh*t I have had to stop with almost all sports except for swimming and I am not allowed to run nor jump anymore, and officially (tho this is something I have decided to ignore) not even pick up my brothers.. Luckily I haven't banged my head nor pulled my hair, I do have been chewing on my nails, tho that is something I have done since I was little kid. Luckily for me (a bit less luckily for my boyfriend 😇) I have found a way to reduce that, by chewing on his pinky. Not hurt, bite skin off, etc. Just chew like chewing gum (which is something I don't have the money for), until he pulls his hand away because his pinky has become numb. I'll admit that I haven't knitted for a long time now, nowadays I'm mostly drawing traditional or on my drawing tablet, or diamond painting while listening to music. Nevertheless, I will see where my mom hides her yard and try it out again! This is actually something funny. Before I moved to Portugal (4 years ago per today!) with my parents and brothers I used to practice Krav Maga and Yoga once a week, and see a psychologist once per 2 weeks. This helped me a lot. When we moved to Portugal the money problems started and we moved to a place kinda in the middle of nowhere. For me that meant that I could not continue practicing and I usually let it out smacking dead wood against trees on our property. Tho please note that I never want to live in the Netherlands again. I love living here and purely want to go back on holidays 😊. Since we are living in Portugal, the mentality of most people here is different than mine/my family/my friends, so sometimes talking is a bit difficult. My doctor is very chaotic so it is sometimes difficult to talk to him and my psychologist is even more difficult. Like I can just tell my story, but usually if she doesnt understand something, she will treat me like a regular kid with problems that sound similar to her. For example: I told her a while ago that I had some trouble feeling at home. I don't recognise my parents home as my home anymore. Currently the most "home" for me is in my room with my boyfriend. She understood it as that I don't want anything else anymore but to be with my bf, which is completely normal for kids my age and that I have to do things at home that I like to feel me more at home, what things I have to figure out myself. While what I described to her wasn't that I didn't want anything else but to be with my bf, what I described was that I dont feel myself at home at my parents home anymore, making me feel "homeless" (not homeless as in someone without a roof, just not in the right place). Lately more and more of this "miscommunication" has occurred, and I'm getting criticism on the fact that my family sleeps early, even in the summer, due to cultural differences. Also I usually don't understand her tips, not that she is explaining it poorly, it just doesn't sound logical to me, meaning I can't understand it. For example: Last month of school. I want to bail because I don't see the reason of going to school. Grades won't count for anything. She tells me that I *have* to go to school because otherwise the police will pick me up. My mind: I'll f*cking decide for myself what I have to and dont have to. Plus, how long does it take for school to take action? They know my situation and they will first contact my parents before calling the cops. So as long as I don't overdo it the cops will never know. If someone is sick for 3 weeks (like happened earlier that year) it's not like they will stand at your doorstep. So her tips usually don't work with my kind of logic. The only reason that I'm still having sessions is to say a big part of what's on my mind, considering that she is the only child psychologist in the area I didn't want to ditch her (yet). And trust problems? Oh yes definitely had those. Parents had a friend which spoke Dutch and Portuguese, so she would be out translator so we could buy a property. Slept at her house with my at the time friend (her daughter) for weeks. Turns out she had been lying to us, leading to us losing lots of money. Then we have my bf's sister (with whom I'm currently fine, just don't trust her anymore with sensitive things) who was my best friend for years, who I have told my life story, including the downs, to. Turns out that half of her stories we're fake, she had used me to keep her money, because she wanted to start saving, turns out that that money was mostly stolen from her already poor parents. And these are just a few who have betrayed me/my parents. Combining this all I have some difficulty to easily trust people.. Anyways, thanks again for your response. Even tho your part about bullies wasn't relevant the way you put it still made my heart warm ❤️ I hope that I was able to answer most and give you some more context. I will take a look on the other pages tomorrow/this week. Have been sick the whole day, having to puke every half an hour so I should've been long asleep by now (past midnight) 👀 Goodnight!

"but I might get lost in my own text at some point so I'd like to apologise in advance xD" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm laughing because you're talking to the world-champion rambler! I can go for REAMS! Anyhoo, it's only writing it down and not worrying about the organisation that you can be reading your thoughts and becauuse of that, next post, order your thoughts and THEN know what you want to say. 'To excel in the Arts and Engineering, a dash of Autism is essential'. I'm guessing, artistic/creative. Artists take in the data, then change its format to THEIR format before recording it on paper/canvas WHEREUPON they gain better understanding of what they're trying to say/express. Self-Feedback. And Engineers take things apart to analyse how they work and why. And Hans Asperger was an Aspergic and Aspergics go 'A or B' when, sorry, but we're too far evolved by now, not to be efficient in our outwards actions for gaining what our mind wants to produce or grab hold of, meaning (gasp!), (told ya), these days, the answer is usually, BOTH! Artistic/Creative AND Analytical to the Nth. BUT...rubbish in = rubbish out. Like a calculator. So we're going to have you learn to be more choosy about who gets to press your buttons. So -Stream of Consciousness awaaayyyyyyy! I can't answer this one yet, however, so I'll have to save it for tomorrow (haven't read past the first sentance yet).... because it's (jayzuz!) 2.30 and I haven't had supper yet! I wondered why I was hungry. (HAHA!) Hasta Manana!